Remembering to stay

Give me a cartoon image of an old-fashioned alarm clock with bells on the top. Show the alarm clock ringing. Above the clock, have a thought bubble come out with the word, "Stay!" inside it. (Image generated by author using AI.)

Librarian Mychal Threets has one goal in life: to spread “library joy” wherever he goes.

He’s good at it, too.

He often posts about “library kids” and how much he enjoys their curiosity and enthusiasm. And last year, he was named the host of the reboot of Reading Rainbow, now on YouTube.

He’s also been very open about his mental health struggles, even posting that on some days, he has to remind himself to “stay one more day.”

Not long ago, on the social media site Threads, Mychal shared a picture of an iPhone alarm - I don’t know if it’s his own or not - labeled, “Please Stay Another Day”.

It’s a reminder to “stay around”. Because if you can stay for one day, you can stay for another, and another, and another.

*****

This has been a hard season of life for me, and it’s one reason I have not written on Substack in quite some time. Several weeks ago, I felt so burned out and overwhelmed that I wanted to pack a backpack and take the next flight to anywhere in Europe.

What stopped me? I have legal responsibilities to my son. Not only am I his mother, I’m his legal guardian, and ultimately, I’m the one who answers to the probate court for his welfare. I have to turn in a status report every year for my son to show how he’s doing. Last year, I procrastinated so long on sending the report in that I got an official notice from the court saying, either turn the report in by such-and-such a date, or you will have to come to court to explain why it hasn’t been completed.

That got my attention. I completed the report and turned it in. This year, I made sure I got the report in on time.

Why did I want to go to Europe?

I don’t think it was Europe as much as it was, I wanted to escape. I am so tired of the constant drama coming from our current administration as well as my inability to do anything about it. I vote, and I try to stay informed, but the word “tsunami” is the best one I can think of to describe the news that hits us daily. Like many, I am exhausted. And I can’t seem to stay away from doomscrolling. Yes, I admit it.

I’m also dealing with a list of health issues, both physical and mental:

• A bladder disorder called interstitial cystitis, a.k.a. painful bladder syndrome, which is exactly what it says on the cover: a bladder that hurts. No cause is known and there is currently no cure. I was diagnosed with it in 1991 and have lived with it longer than I’ve lived without it.

• Recurring bouts of fatigue; I’ve seen multiple doctors and don’t really have that much of an answer. I recently started using Eli Health’s Hormometer and after eight tests - two a day - results tell me that I am “overextended”. (Before anyone asks, yes, I have had my thyroid tested!)

• Type 2 Diabetes, which is it’s own struggle. My doctor last week did say my numbers look good. I manage the condition with medication.

• Statis dermatitis, poor blood flow in the legs that also cause them to look red and ugly. I’ve had about five vein ablation procedures on my legs to improve the blood flow and am getting ready to see another dermatologist.

• Sleep apnea; I use a CPAP machine nightly.

• Depression/anxiety/OCD, for which I see a therapist twice monthly and check in with a psychiatrist regularly.

• Back pain, both between the shoulder blades and at the tailbone. I slipped a disk back in my 20’s in my lower back, and the upper back pain is at the base of my neck and between the shoulder blades. The latter is the result of too much time at the computer.

And recently, I figured out a root of my exhaustion and burnout: My worldview has done a 180 in the last decade.

It started when the religious and political leaders I looked up to decided to bow and scrape at the altar of Donald Trump. I was especially shocked when the same religious leaders who screamed, “Character counts!” when Bill Clinton got caught with his pants down screamed, “Well, we’re not electing a pastor; besides, he’s not Hillary Clinton and he’s pro-life,” when it came to Donald Trump. I called it hypocrisy and said good-bye to both.

In 2016, I could not vote for either Presidential candidate in good conscience, so I voted for Snoopy. Seriously. I voted down ballot for legitimate candidates and then I wrote in Snoopy for President. And then, with the rest of the country, I watched in shock as Donald Trump won the Presidency.

I now find myself wondering if the USA would be better off under a social democracy with taxpayer-funded education (including higher education) for all and taxpayer-funded health care for all. I’m deliberately using the term “taxpayer-funded” because to me, “free” health care is a misnomer. Nothing is for free. Someone has to pay for it. But people should not have to worry about, “can I pay for the health care I need?” if they’re ill or injured, and right now, I don’t have an answer to that problem.

I also find myself alarmed and outraged at budget cuts, the treatment of undocumented immigrants, and the growing hostility towards the LGBT+ community, people of color - and, in my opinion, anyone who does not subscribe to White Christian Nationalism. I believe people should come to the USA legally. I also believe we shouldn’t make it as hard as we do. And to those who scream about “refugees” or “those illegals who cross the Mexican border” (notice how we don’t have the same concerns about other “illegals”?) : 1. “Refugee” has a very specific definition under United States Law, 2. Refugees, as defined by the law, are legal immigrants, 3. If you go to the border and request asylum, that is following a legal procedure. There’s not a guarantee that you’ll be granted asylum, but asking for asylum is legal.

I agree that there’s plenty of places the United States budget could be cut, but every time “budget cuts” are called for, it always seems to hit the social programs. And while I also believe it’s wise to search for fraud, it is not as easy as you might think to commit fraud when applying for programs such as SNAP, Medicaid, etc. My son received Medicaid for many years as part of the Katie Beckett waiver, a voluntary program available in many states to help people pay for health care for medically fragile children who do not qualify for Medicaid outright. We had to turn in a doctor’s statement and a financial statement every year in order to remain qualified. I dropped Medicaid after my son was no longer receiving therapy.

I’ve also asked myself serious questions about God and about the Bible. I do believe in God, and I believe Jesus is his son. I do have questions about how we should worship, about gender and sexuality, and about how we serve the people around us. I am also fed up with the constant diet of Christianese I too often hear. Anyone who tells me, “God is in control,” does not value their life very much. Yes, God looks out for us, and he does know what is best. I too often find that too many of us use phrases such as “God is in control” as a throwaway line rather than searching for how to show the compassion of God to hurting people.

Sometimes, I fear that my prayers are nothing more than me yelling at God about how hard and unfair my life is. My comfort is that many of the Psalms are “yells at God” and the prophet Elijah even asked God, “Take my life, I am no better than my ancestors.”

There is also just day-to-day living; in my state, Georgia, the suspension of the gas tax expires at midnight tonight. Tomorrow, gas will go up 33 cents per gallon. Not only is the price of gas going up, the prices of petroleum products in general are going up. Think plastics, for example.

And I’m a writer who’s been trying to write and has had a very hard time putting words to paper, or to a screen. I meet with a group on Zoom once a week and yesterday told them that I’m a writer who overthinks. I’m so worried about “getting it right”, and it’s so much easier to keep a pretty story in my head rather than put it out where it will be seen and just might get ridiculed.

I have wanted to leave the USA for a very long time. I’m not happy with what is going on here. My logical left brain says, “Tina, this is not the best idea you’ve ever had; moving abroad takes a lot of work, a lot of decision-making, a lot of things to consider.”

My emotional right brain screams, “I don’t care! Danger, danger, danger; I want out, I want to escape, I don’t feel safe here!”

And while I have no plans to do this, and very good reasons not to, there are very dark days when permanently disappearing is an attractive option.

Which leads me back to Mychal Threets’ daily alarm.

I borrowed his idea.

Now, every morning at 7 a.m., my phone’s alarm plays a soft melody as it shows the words, “Remember to stay.”

There are good reasons to stay: my husband, my son, a church that loves me, and a best friend who would come up here and smack me if I decided to permanently disappear (which again, I’m not planning.)

I have books to finish.

I have a world to enjoy.

And so, that is why, despite the load of lately, I listen to the phone alarm and remember to stay.

Just my .04, adjusted for inflation.